What's a Surprise for me?

During toxic days due to jam-packed paperworks, I always wish for something that will make me smile even for just a moment, a few hours, or a day. I'm not saying that I'm not happy. I am actually energetic and hyper over the previous days, because I don't want bad vibes during days when I need positive mind set. However, I want to smile because someone makes me to do so. What I mean is, I always wanted to be surprised.

Well, these things are some of the surprises that I wish or think of before; but it never happen of course.

1. Someone giving me a CD with songs he thinks will make me feel happy or better and/or relax.
2. If a friend or someone mind to send me breakfast during the days that he knows I'm still up around 3-4am in the morning. (quite ambitious!haha)
3. Someone giving me a cup of coffee while I'm seriously working and raising my eyebrows because of the difficult works.
4. Someone leaving me a letter, not a love letter, but a letter full of humorous jokes (well because not all jokes are humorous, haha) , in my things, without me knowing it.
5. A person appearing in front of me just to ask me to eat dinner, because he knows I don't usually eat dinner. I always go home immediately after class or work, open my computer and write or read. I don't usually eat when I'm alone.
6. Someone appearing in front of me just to say he wants to work with me because he knows I'm stressed.
7. Someone who will me give a ticket - movie, wonderland - or whatever ticket to a place she or he knows will relax me - and say "Have fun, you're prettier when you are smiling."

So these are surprises for me ha? LOL! I don't really imagine grand and big surprises. I just want simple things that will make me smile.

Actually, my friend's notes to me (Mariz's notes saying God loves me, I should smile and other messages) surprised me always. Because she just leaves those notes in my bag, may laptop case, my notebook every time she notices I'm not okay.

You know the real message of surprises for me is that someone remembers you all the time and that someone loves you always. Although that's already implied in our life, it's just actions showing and expressing it matters. :)

Day 2. Has a painful experience ever had a positive impact in your life?

Funny, a month ago, I was very eager to complete  the 30 days of blogging challenge. But now, it's been one month since I last blogged. I'm just really a lazy writer. 


Anyway, after one month, here's the day 2.


Day 2. Has a painful experience ever had a positive impact in your life?


Well, I always believed that we should use our painful experiences and mistakes as lessons of our life. We should learn from it. Thus, it always create a positive impact for me. 


A simple example was my story about my competitions when I was in high school. Back then, I always join competitions - any kind of competition - because I loved the challenge of it. But when I was in my first year and second year, I barely won. They even tagged me as lulubell - "queen of losers". That hurt me of course. Then one day I said to myself, I will strive to do the best thing I can. Well, the positive thing was, the next two years of my high school life, I won almost all of my competitions. 


Of there is one principle that can help us achieve best things in our life, that is using our mistake, experiences and failures as foundation for success. :D

Day 1: Paradigm shift?Hell yah..

What was a changing moment in your life?

The topic made me stare for a while and evaluate my experiences, which was actually a few moments of boring realization. [But I have to!] Of all those sacrifices, fun, achievements, failures or whatever I could tell people of, what really changed my life? What moment brought change and turn the wheels of my car into different direction?

I'll say it was the moment when I decided to be a working scholar. Of course, the same answer as usual. Let's see how did it change my life.

When I entered UST, I had an academic scholarship. That indeed was a great help for my parents since that year they were supporting my brother's nursing education. But because of the fear that I may fail to comply with the grade requirement of the scholarship, I applied for a working scholarship. After few examinations and interviews, I passed. I passed but it was a hard decision for me. Would I choose to be a working scholar or an academic scholar? When I considered my parents, I said choosing the former might be a big help for them. So after thinking hundred times, I accepted San Lorenzo Scholarship. Then I was assigned at the College of Tourism and Hospitality Management.

The decision meant a lot for me.

When I decided to work for CTHM, I needed to turn my back from the things that I love doing in school. Few years ago, when I was in high school, I always join academic competitions, organizations and extra-curricular activities. That's my life. I enjoyed everything about school activities. I reached national competitions, danced for the pride of the school and met other people in the course of those activities. I lose the chance of experiencing the same thing in the pontifical University of Santo Tomas. Before I enter college, I said I will strive to be one of the best student in the university where I will study. After enrolling in UST, I thought of joining the publication of The Varsitarian, the debate team of Arts and Letters, the dance troupe of Journalism Society. But when I started working on June 22, 2008, I had to give up those plans. I said maybe in my second year in college i could join. The semesters went on and I felt the intention of joining competitions like pautakan and debate, and even the student body. But I had to ignore that intention because I knew that working and studying at the same time would already be hard for me and i could not afford to add other things to my college list. I had to keep my grades high because that was an expectation of me and I also had to deliver good works in the office. That year, I enjoyed being in CTHM despite sacrificing my wants. Then I said I could go on like this for four years.

Semesters and academic years past and I've been enjoying my college life (well in general since I also complain a lot of times). If it is not for the hospitality and care of those in the office, I will not be able to adjust and enjoy everything. But still, hard times knock me out.

I was in third year when I had to always choose between working or finishing my school works and assignments. Even though I felt ashamed of always being absent in CTHM, I endured it. In myself, I always said I need to keep my grades on the track. (You see, I can sacrifice other things but not my grades and definitely not learning). After that year, I got a poor evaluation grade. My supervisor told me that they understood me but he also explained that I have to balance everything. Indeed despite my experiences, I still was not able to learn the right attitude in working.

I realized I have to grow up. Well, that brought to learning more things because of that one decision. These things are:

• Being strong.
• Being responsible and reliable
• Learning how to deliver quality works while managing to achieve good school remarks
• Being independent and mature
• BALANCING  everything in LIFE (including love life :p) 

I can't name all the things that I learn but I know that I am different, a lot different, from the Carissa that I have been four years ago.

I grasped reality and I knew that one day my experience as a working student would definitely help me. More than the privileges and the rights and the free tuition that I enjoyed as such, I would say, the lessons that it taught me mattered a lot and changed me a lot.

Long before I know it

I've been wanting to write these stories. I just did not have the will to do so. But I do not want to miss the chance to share these stories to other since it really touched my heart and opened my eyes and my mind into different realities in our society.  

I've been hearing other people saying that life is really unjust for many Filipinos, that many of our fellow men are living on puddle or slime (metaphorically speaking). They say this is the truth. Every time I hear this, I would just nod and whisper to myself, "yeah, so do I." Looking at Metro Manila's picture, I would always say that poverty is everywhere and the evidence of social unrest lies on the situation of urban and rural poor. Seldom you'll see "heeled fat men" eating tokyo tokyo and most often, you'll need to endure the scene of those children running without slippers or even without clothes on them, of families living under bridges, along the river or near the railway, and of those old people sleeping in overpass in front of the school. I encounter these pictures everyday and all I can do is to pray for them, ask myself why are they suffering and wish for their welfare and safety. But eventually, I became tired of seeking reasons why some people are living in such situation. Sometimes, I tell myself that it is right to say that people are suffering because of their own action and deeds. Yes, I pity them but there are also times when I want to tell them that there is way out of their life and that they should not be contented with where they are now.

Consequently, I found out that I can not just say this and judge the things that is happening in our community. There are several faces of poverty and there are many stories of failure and suffering in life. 

First chapter, first destination, Aplayang Munti.

Upon arriving at the place, I said to myself that it look like an ordinary small barangay. People on the threshold looked happy and seemed to have been doing well, but when we went further, I noticed that there is something different in the houses. Then we reached the barangay hall but we continued walking. We passed by in a vacant lot which is full of garbage and wastes. (Before we went on the area, Sir Eros told us that garbage is really a problem in the place)

I was surprised because this was not the picture that I expected. The wastes in the place became uncontrollable. The area's location is the main reason for this heap of garbage. It is in a coastal area. At the end of the footbridge which we were tracing, the houses are already standing in water. The sea water is already touching the floors of some of the houses. 

There we met Mang Alberto, the president of the King Fisher organization in Brgy. 10-B. He accompanied us through out our stay in the barangay and we also interviewed him about the problem of their community. Then we discovered that he actually have a touching story to share. He and his son were victims of the typhoon Milenyo. That was September 25, 2006, according to him, when he and his son who was 19 years old then went on to catch fishes for something to eat or sell. Mang Alberto said he thought the storm was already gone in the country but when they were already sailing, the storm suddenly hit in their area. From what he had remembered, the sea suddenly became angry, and it began to throw big waves on them and toss their boat which made them tremble with fear. He suddenly cry when he remembered the incident. According to Mang Alberto, lucky they are that they survived. At first, they thought that was their last day. God is so great to give them another life.

Mang Alberto is grateful for his second life but in his second life, he suffers because of their poverty. He lost his boat in the incident, the boat which in which he invested P25 every week just to earn some money for his family. Since fishing is his main way to earn a living, he had a hard time in giving the needs of his family, especially when his daughter got sick. He had to put their house under mortgage just to get money for her daughter's blood transfusion. He had no choice the because he has to save her. Until now they are paying for their house.

Mang Alberto is one of Filipinos who are less fortunate. But behind those sufferings and struggles, he never give up rather he keeps on holding into his faith and he keeps on believing that they may not be rich one day but God will, one day, bless them with what they need for them to survive in their voyage along the sea and in the circumstances of storms. Mang Alberto does everything. He never loses hope. That's one thing that he has that others who are also struggling in life does not have. He is right, he can not be contented with what they are now and he can not give up and just watch everything. He is not dreaming of living in the castle but he is just hoping that one day he can give his daughters and sons books and diploma and that he can provide adequate food in their table.

What struck me most that day was when we gave Mang Alberto something that would help him. We were touched and very thankful to him when he accompany us.

Second Destination,

Last destination, last chapter, my life.

I say my family is also one [struggling in life], but my family is still blessed because God allows us to eat three times a day. God blessed me, which is why I can study in a pontifical university, I can eat fast foods, I can buy clothes whenever I needed them. And because of what I see with these people, I always keep in my mind and my heart that I should not waste God's blessing for me. Instead I should pay it forward.

For now, I'm struggling to survive since I am not receiving anything from my mother. Other people may not understand my situation. At first, I do. But eventually I have to. Regardless of any issues, I say this is what I have to endure and this is life. We're poor but we're blessed. I'm blessed. And I am still thankful to God for giving me everything that I am enjoying now.

The Paranoid mind goes on a Retreat

I was sitting in my bed, staring blankly at my laptop and thinking about everything in my life.

What meaning of life have I made and write in my own story so far? Why do I get bored with my life and why for sometime now have I thought that I do not have something worthy to treasure, to live on or to smile on? Why am I not contented now with the way I live? Why do I have so many agonies and fears? Have I not done good enough with my life? (Well, these things maybe are good to think and realize about since I am getting older and soon I'll have a bunch of responsibilities over my shoulder.)

Frankly, I can't answer these questions. I spend the whole day in the room, just browsing the internet and reading books and thinking about these things. I got several reasons but I can't logically give myself a conclusion and a resolution.

These are all I know.

I've been too centered and too focused in my studies. Yes, that's totally good but the downside is I almost forgot that there is something more in life than achievements, success, medal and diploma. What is it? It's man's relationship with his world (which includes every kind of relationship using all kind of love) and with God. Everyday I found myself waking up to do school works, to finish paper works, office assignments, beat a deadline, etc. What more? - I wake up to stay up all night and do things all for my study. I never became tired of studying, I will never be. After all, just like what I said to others, that's all I have. That's all I've got to do with my life. And when I graduated, it will maybe hard for me to adjust with the changes in my life because I will not have any lessons to study anymore. Instead, I will need to do my own lessons to study - the way in the real industry.

Thus, I am not saying that I want to be free from the four corners of the 'art of studying'. I just thought that I have to pay attention with other things too - with the world. Just like what Mr. Simonet asked in the film 'Pay it Forward', "what have you know about the world? what have you do for the world?" Well, I know God did not gave me life just for me to study and achieve great things - this way of living will not satisfy you forever. I remember my friend Manilyn saying that when we die we can never bring fame with us. So what will satisfy us - me - in this life? It's fulfilling God's mission for us - for me. And what is it? For me it's something good that I can do for others, for my family. And it is for me to discover and find that out.

I've been hurt too much by my problems and personal issues. It obviously includes my problem with my family which no one knows (well no one really knows everything about what I am experiencing now). I'm trying to ignore everything but at the end of the day it all hunt me. Because of my problems and issues, I sometimes can't enjoy my life. I needed to stay inside my box. But being too tired and too hurt, I once decided to break all the rule and all the expectations on me and live outside my box. I said, that's the only prize that I can have after everything. I sacrifice once, why can't I enjoy things now? (Due to this decision, I know that a lot of changes happened to me, even to my attitude and personality.) Well I have to try, I have to.

I don't have that big confidence that I would build the real me. I always feel like I'm boring, I have ordinary qualities that will not appeal to anyone, I'm less and sometimes I even feel like I'm nothing. I don't feel this things when I was in high school. I don't know what happened. But here I am now. I'm less than the best that I can offer. Others say that I have all the things that they wanted to have in life. But I don't see that and that's ultimately stupidity. Oh God! I don't know what's happening to me.

I know GOD is the only answer. I never lose my faith in him, it's just, this past month, I have not been communicating with him. I admit that I've been consumed by my problems, experiences by everything.
But with God, who never fails to guide me and love me, I am looking forward that one day I can overcome these problems and I can answer these questions with a big smile. And I can say I'm contented with my life.

my life's irony

Just this afternoon, I was worrying about my scholarship. (What's new? I always have this dilemma every second semester.) Again, I am thinking of withdrawing my scholarship.

This semester, I had consumed all the allowed absences in my duty. Mam Dess said to me this afternoon, the director for student affairs may assess my performance before allowing me to renew my scholarship program for next year due to my tardiness and absences.  I wanted to tell her that I can assure them of good grades and good evaluation in the office, but i stay silent. I did not even feel like crying. I've been in this situation almost every year. Maybe I'm just used to it or let us say, I became tired of it. I wanted to tell them, to tell the world that I've been doing thngs not because I am spending time for leisure. Most of the time, I am stealing my duty hours for my study. I am not sleeping just to study, to write and to do all my requirements in the class. I am like this not because I wanted to (who would want to kill herself just for the sake of getting good grades?) but because this is what my parents and my relatives expect me to be. Partly, I want this but not to the extend that I have to sacrifice everything. After my conversation with Mam Dess, I did not cry but deep inside of me, I wanted to burst in tears. I'm tired of fulfilling everything according to the rules and to the wants of my world. Can't they just understand me?

I hate it when problems like this came during my busiest days! WTF I don't want to think now. Not. (I keep on telling myself that when I am on my way back to the house)

Then when I got home, I opened facebook just to find something that would make me smile again and would bring back my good mood. 

One message. Six Notifications.

I looked first at the news feed. There's nothing that interests me. Then I opened the notification. Okay, It's about school works again. Then I opened the message. The first line reads "Congratulations". I said, scam again. I thought of not reading it because It will be a waste of time but when my eyes looked down, I noticed a note which says it is from Becarios de Santo Tomas. There, I had the interest in reading it. It says: 

Congratulations! You are one of the nominees for the MOST OUTSTANDING SAN LORENZO AWARD (OUTSTANDING THOMASIAN SCHOLAR AWARDS).

In line with this, we are requesting you to submit a narrative that tells substantially about yourself. This will help us to know you better and guide us to discern who should be the most outstanding San Lorenzo scholar. 

Blah.blah.blah.

At first I thought it is a general message for all the scholars, then when it already asked for requirement that I needed to submit, I told myself "ah, this is what I needed tonight, inspiration!"

What a life. Just this afternoon I was worrying about my scholarship then tonight they are telling me I am nominated as an outstanding scholar. Do you see the irony? This only tell me how GOD works for us. God will really not let you down. He may gave you challenges and problems bu t he will always be there to help you and to make you see how beautiful life is. 

I can't help but to scold myself for giving up so easily, for being fragile, for being a pessimist. Life has a lot of irony and I am one of the blessed people who is always saved by this ironies.

Recycled thoughts: BELIEVE!

They say that once you believed, your life would be painted with smile and will be colorful that even when you are hurt, injured and most of all, broken, you would be able to live happily.

……………………………………….

Maybe, there will be more hope. A vision of guiding lights would be left for you on your way home, for you to find the right way.

Perhaps, life will be different…..

And maybe, you would not ask for what you don’t have,

For contentment would fill your soul,..

And happiness and love would shelter your heart,..forever,..until the last..until the next world.

………………………………………

But what if you keep believing and hoping, but still you find your self on a cross road,..

Looking for that hope, for the change that you’ve been praying for and waiting for a long time?

Will you stand still and look beyond what your eyes can see?

The truth is that life will always be like cross roads, full of confusion and sometimes without direction. You need to choose which way you will go for you to find yourself. And that is the hardest part, to choose the right path of your destiny. After all it is you who is making your destiny, your fate and history of your life.

It will always be the same.

Your fate is what destiny you hold and what history you shape. It all lies in your back. You put structure in your being, maximize your time, color your destiny, record your history and endow your fate.

Being strong is necessary

……….because at the end of each road that you will encounter you will find yourself the only someone that can help you forever and that will not leave you. 

It is hard to trust. Because you can’t prevent the fact that sometimes when you are already living your life with somebody, and plan to put that somebody in the image of your future, she or he may be gone in just a snap. And sometimes, the worst thing is that somebody is the one that always left you in a cross road. They leave you. They go for their life and let you live in uncertainty,……

Sometimes you would just question yourself if it is worthy to live with others, or is it worthy to live?

Maybe, believing is the only answer,.

I don’t know how,.

For how long is unknown,.

That only time can tell everything

And only a beat of our heart can let us feel when,…

I'd rather,.:))

Even in the middle of busy days and the hard works, love still knock on your heart and makes you think about the epic of your love story.

We went in Aplayang Munti, Cavite today to get some stories for our community newspaper in Newspaper Layouting and Copy Reading. It was around 10am when I started to enjoy our adventure. We interviewed a few people living along the coastal area.  I was taking a picture of an old woman fetching a pail of water and seriously staring at her while thinking what story can we get about the problem of Aplayang Munti in water supply. When I was about to go, I heard a loud music from the two guys who were sitting at the corner of the lane.

"I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else...

I'd rather have the one who owns my heart."

I'd rather,.:))

My heart jumped ( i was just thinking about him this morning). I so miss the song. I suddenly felt like it is bringing things and memories back for me.

I never had bad times with him but if time would permit I would want to, rather than spending good times with someone else. I never had this song for someone but I always think of it whenever I remember him when I was in my first year in college. Now that I am missing him again, (I am actually stopping myself since i don't want to be hurt again.) this song also came back and endeared my ears again. No, this does not mean anything (I thought!).

Here I am with my episode again. I wanted to tell myself that I am tired of thinking things about my love life. I just wanted to focus on my studies now. But my mind seems to have not feel tired of reminiscing. (Why not, If I am actually smiling every time I think of him) I can't help myself, thus, when we were on our way back to Manila, I told Claire my story and my worries. I said I can't stop thinking about who is with alternating current now (deep inside, I'm still wishing that that is me,.ASSUMING AGAIN!). 

Then Claire and I both asked ourselves, why do girls have the nature being assuming? Why do we have the instinct which eventually lead us to heartaches?

Heartaches, yes heartaches. I'm tired of that and I almost lose my confidence because of my different stories and experiences of break ups. And of all of that, I only have two which I value the most. The alternating current is one of that. I know now that even in our short time of spending time together, I will never be able to forget how he made me smile and feel loved before. 

Today, even though I know that things may not be good for me and the alternating current may not like and love me again, I still had this  smile every time I remember things. There is nothing wrong with it because I am not expecting anything. That is what important. Still, Id rather,.:))

Pa-Blog ng ilang Minuto

Isang kalendaryong punong-puno, saan ko pa kaya isisingit ang sarili ko?

Minsan naiisip ko na lumiliit na ang mundo ko dahil sa sobrang pagiging masipag ko sa pag-aaral. Araw - araw, sa tuwing gumigising ako, bukod sa pagpapasalamat kay God na buhay pa ko, school works agad naiisip ko. Bago matulog ay isang tambak na deadline ang nasa huling laman ng isip ko. Hindi ko na nga mawari kung paano hahatiin ang oras ko. (sana nga'y may clone na lamang ako!) Minsan naman ay naiinggit ako sa ibang tao na madalas kong nakikitang masaya at enjoy lamang sa buhay nila. Sa tuwing pagmamasdan ko sila tinatanong ko ang sarili ko kung masaya nga ba ako sa ganitong buhay kaya ko ito ginagawa o ginagawa ko na lamang ito dahil kailangan, dahil nakasanayan ko na at higit sa lahat, dahil ito ang inaasahan ng lahat mula sa akin?

Paano nga ba ako makakangiti sa kabila ng lahat? Sa kabila ng sabay sabay na gawain tulad ng documentarty, thesis, photo shooting, community newspaper in Aplayang Munti, term paper, critique paper, reflection paper - at madamai pa - paano nga ba ako makakatawa? Paano ko ieenjoy ang lahat kung dahil sa dami ng dapat kong gawin at asikasuhin ay pati ang work ko sa office at ang scholarship ko ay naaapektuhan? Paano ko masasabing okay lang ang lahat kung sa tuwing makikita ko ang supervisor ko ay pakiramdam ko iniisp nya na umaabuso na ako sa pagabasent ko sa office?

Kapag tinatanong ko ang lahat ng ito sa sarili ko, hinihiling ko na lang na sana maging maayos ang lahat at sinasabi ko na lang sa sarili ko na masaya naman ang lahat kung kaya nananatili akong nakangiti. Pero sa likod naman ng mga ngiti na iyon ay pagkapagod at lungkot. Hindi na ako nakakauwi sa tatay ko dahil sa dami kong ginagawa. Namimiss ko na ang mga kaibigan ko, namimiss ko na ang tumawa ng malakas hindi dahil gusto ko kung hindi dahil nabigla ang puso ko sa saya.

Nakakasakal na minsan. Nakakasakal ang schedule. Nakakasakal ang walang sawang pagenglish sa lahat nga papers. (minsan nga nagiging maarte na ko, kahit simpleng usapan lang english na gamit ko). Pero alam ko na magreklamo man ako ay wala din naman akong magagawa kaya naman ginagawa ko na lang ang lahat ng makakaya ko at pinapangiti ko na lang ang sarili ko. Ayun, humuhugot ako ng saya sa ibang bagay.

Kanina halos di ko maalis sa isip ko yung alternating current. Sa dami ng ginagawa ko naisisingit ko pa ang pag-iisip ko sa kanya (eh ang pahinga nga para sa sarili ko ay di ko na mahanapan ng oras). Kahit anu talaga gawin ko at sabihin, kahit may iba pang nakilala ang puso ko, hindi pa din sya makakalimutan nito. Ewan ko ba kung bakit. Nakangiti ako ngayong araw na ito kasi nagenjoy ako tignan pictures nya. IMBA. may puwang pa ba? Sana di ko lang naiisip to kasi naghahanap ako ng kalinga at ng kasama at ng pagmamahal. Alam ko naman. Mahirap na pero ito kasi ang pulso ng kuryente ng puso ko. Anu magagawa ko? Kahit  ilang minuto lang, hinayaan ko angsarili kong isipin syang muli.

Movies make me feel in loved!

Drama romance, whatever it is, if its about love, it makes me feel like I'm in loved after I watch it. Yeah, movies really make me feel nuts every time I watch them. Especially if I did it during the days when I am really stress and busy.

I thought, what's wrong with feeling that way if it makes me happy after all? (even for just a moment or just a few hours) At least, it paints smile on my face. The kind and lovable characters, especially the leading man, makes me think that there are still those kind of guys today. (well at least, in movies there are!)

Today, I watched "Crazy little thing called love" and "Dear John" (applaud me, I had time to watch movies, hooray!) and I can't stop feeling in loved with the characters of John and P'Shone. Both movies are sweet and romantic, so as both leading men are adorable and sweet, not just in terms of their physical attributes but also in their role. Why?

Who would say that there are still guys who make scrapbook for the girl that they love just like what P'shone did for Nam? Who would dare to say that there are guys who love girls regardless of their physical  appearance just like what P'shone did to Nam? And most importantly, who among the guys today will be willing to wait for nine years for a girl to come back? Who among the guys today can love only one girl? without flirting with others? Well, P'shone is almost perfect. He is of course handsome (maybe a requirement set by the writer of the movie for it to sell), kind, what more? He is the dream guy. (I did not say my dream guy) Maybe the ideal for every girls.

Likewise, who would be able to write to the girl he loves even if he is in the middle of a war, even if he is a million miles away, even if there is no post mail, just like what John did for the girl he loves? Who would say that the last thing that he has in his mind when he was in danger was the girl he loves? Who would dare to promise that he would leave what he called as his life just for the girl that he love? Who could make a woman feel secure today despite the nuances, the dangers,the personal issues and many other things in our life? John did. His character did and in that way, he also made me feel that one day, that kind of guy will be right beside me, loving me. (Such a fairytale!)

There it is, I am having the episode of "my fairytale" again. Then again, I told myself, that's okay. You're just perceiving the future. (Yeah, I am! I am drawing fantasies!)

Yet, I am still aware that those things, those characters, those perfect personalities of guys will only exist in movies, in romantic dramas. Well what can I say? With my experiences, I can't trust any guy now, at least in movies I feel that I can. That's the sad part of it. I fell in loved with characters in movie because I feel that I can only be in movies. I mean, I can't feel or even say that one day, I can find someone worth it, like those characters, to love. Lucky me, I always encounter guys who will just leave me, or who will just feel that I am just a joke (hell!), or I am just the ideal, or who will just be confident that I will not leave them, tor who will just look for another girl rather than me because I am too busy pursuing my dreams.

If there'll be movies which will make me fall in love every time I see the - I am sure there will always be - I will not find it hard to smile and say that I am in loved. I am in loved with the movies.

Who's responsible anyway?

I always tell others to be responsible enough. It's for their own good, I thought. I always speak of responsibility as if I am a master of one. But am I really responsible enough to speak such thing to others and to judge them as if they are far behind me?

I always have the feeling that I am working better than others because despite the fact that I am a working student, I am still able to comply with so many school deadlines and I can still get good grades. I know that this is a product of the gift of being able to cope up with stress and pressure easily and of course of the good head that I luckily received from God. And with this thought, I know that I'm being boastful to myself sometimes. But I never let my head grow too big. I am not the perfect student and I can't say that my works are enough to insist that I can't be compare to anyone. Now I thought, what really I have become this past month to say that I am responsible enough to hold on my future with confidence, to seize the idea that I am a good student, nothing else than that, and to say that I am not doing anything bad?

That's being too confident, isn't it?

I do pressure myself to be able to accomplish things. I sleep late or most often I do not sleep just to finish school works and articles, and review lessons. I work four hours a day in CTHM and seven hours every Wednesday. But there are days that I need to sacrifice my work for my studies. In fact, I already consumed the maximum absences in duties allowed for working scholars which is six. I often feel shy and sorry to my supervisors every time I am not in the office because I know that helping them is the only thing that I can do to pay them back their goodness. I always wanted to let them feel that I am grateful that they are giving me the chance to study in the university, though sometimes I know that my body can't do all things at the same time.
I am irresponsible in my work, i thought, if i will always resort to taking time from my duty hours. If I am really responsible, I will be able to balance things between my work and my study. I can't always reason for myself and say that I needed the break. I can't always think that I am reasonable.

Today I am absent again because I have fever and worst, I have pending works to do. I left the design for CTHM's graduation souvenir unfinished. I still have article to pass which the deadline is actually yesterday and I needed to finish my journal, critique paper for Retorika, thesis assignments, Dapitan literary article and Literature homeworks. Hell! I'm dead. Here I am now, lying in bed  the whole day and can't finish anything. That is so being irresponsible of me. I should have finished things last weekend.

I have to stand up now and fix myself and do those things now. If not I will be really dead tomorrow.

I can't really judge others in terms of being responsible because things like this happen. What can I say now?

10 things I hate about YOU (hinanaing ng desperada)

1. I hate how you make me smile even though you're not doing anything special for me.
2. I hate how you make me think of you and how you make me miss you so much.
3. I hate how you make me feel that you like me, as if it is really true.
4. I hate you when you call me all night and make me laugh every time you call me 'panget'.
5. I hate your eyes especially when i remember them looking at me and teasing me.
6. I hate you when you make me fell in love with you.
7. I hate you when you said i love you (that i don't know what it means,is it because you're happy you resolved your formulas).
8. I hate you when you said to me to assume ( that I don't know what to assume).
9. I hate you when you disappear all of a sudden.
10. I hate you when you made me cry.

From the start, I already told myself that I will not hope and expect anything from you. It is because I am aware that you don't like to be commited to girls. I said then that I will just enjoy your company. Indeed, I enjoyed every memories that we have, I enjoy everything up to the extent that I was not able to keep myself from falling for you. And here I am me now, missing you every night when you suddenly disappear and made me feel that you want to stop now. I know we never became "lovers" but since you said to me to assume, I always almost think that we were like one. Now I feel that I hate you because I love you.

I want to tell you all of these things.

Ano ka sira? Pagkatapos ng isang masayang araw na kasama kita bigla mo na lang ipaparamdam na wala alng ako sayo at iiwasan mo ko?Ano ko laruan?Nagenjoy ka na makausap at makasama  ako pero pag ayaw mo na kasi busy ka, kasi madaming magandang babae dyan, kasi I can't meet the qualities of your dream girl, you will just leave and avoid me and dump me? How I wish I saw that from the start. Yes, I know that you never meant that we are together before, but at least you should not have treat me that way. Now I am stranded again. Swerte ko nga naman sa pag-ibig. Siguro nga kasalanan ko lahat kasi I'm so ASSUMING! Sorry ha, I wish I never became one.


Now I am telling myself this:


Pangako mo Carissa, hindi ka na maaapektuhan simula ngayon! Hindi mo Kailangang maghabol! Kung ayaw nya sayo, who cares? You already loved him as much as you can. You already offered him your love and care. If he is acting that way, that only means that YOU'RE NOTHING TO HIM! AND WHO CARES IF THAT"S THE CASE? LET HIM FEEL AND REALIZE ONE DAY THAT HE LOSS EVERYTHING WHEN HE DUMPED YOU, WHEN HE HURT YOU, WHEN HE AVOIDED YOU!

Girl, guys are not everything in the world. The hell! YOU CAN SLAP IN HIS FACE EVERYTHING THAT HE BOASTS ABOUT! He is NOT even handsome or kind or worth it for you to feel that way. 
BOYS ARE NOTHING!!!

One day when you face him you will just laugh at yourself when you realize that you are so stupid during the days that you are insane about him.

Confessions of once a sister to a stranger

Today, I am writing purely from my heartedly intentions.

I can't get over from my conflict with someone (let's just name "the who with someone"). I know there are a number of friends who told me to don't waste my time thinking and assessing the situation - because probably, it will not change anything. Though I know that they are right, I can't step forward and just ignore everything just to be able to say to myself that "everything is okay now." Maybe because for me "losing a dear friend who I actually treated as a sister is painful."

I did not expected that being betrayed is the prize that I have to received after helping a friend.

Friends care for each other as one of my friend stressed which is why when someone needed our help and our care, we always offer her our hands and embraces her with guidance, care and teachings (lessons included because we know that there are some wrong ways and behaviors that someone had -who's perfect anyway, even me has that imperfection). Thus, one day when someone had a problem, I immediately decided to help. That time, someone needed a house to stay and I don't think twice of offering her to stay in my place. Open arms and excited of having a company, I made ways for her to feel comfortable in our apartment. My first week with someone was happy so as the second, but days went by and I noticed that time by time, we were having conflicts. Those were due to our differences in attitude (because we're definitely the opposites). Those were little things so I always ignore it and resort to thinking that the next days will be better between us. (I hope someone made that true but she didn't)

I noticed that there were times that she felt shy of living with me. I felt that she was not proud to say to others that she lives with a friend who is struggling in life. I've seen her enjoying making herself pretty for others but all the while she already forlorn her responsibilities to others, to herself and to her friends and to her studies. I even had conversations with her about guys and noticed that she still do that thing of having number of guys at the same time (well for her its not flirting or whatever, its just being a friend to them, but everyone knows its the other way around for the guys). What struck me most those days was when she never let me feel that she's grateful for our help to her. She did not even tell me important things and instead she told it to others and she did things without letting me and my mother know about it. She did not mentioned even once to others that she is living with a "friend" rather when someone ask who is she living with, she'll answer, I'm living with my "classmate". I ignored all of that and I said to myself that those thoughts were judgment that I should not trust. I chose to be a friend to her despite of my observations and sentiments (its not about being back stabber, because I let love overcome doubts). I actually wanted to tell someone my thoughts but I did not because I knew then that I cannot let my judgments and criticism destroy our friendship. I chose to keep in silence whenever I became annoyed by her behavior because I know that after few hours or a day, my annoyance would fade.

But days come and someone forced the monster in me to come out. Someone offended me and hurt me a lot. I felt betrayed after someone did unwarranted things to me. She lied and she made me feel stupid. ( let's leave this part of the story untouched) I can't believe at first that a friend whom I considered as my sister hurt me. The moment that I knew everything about what she did to me, I wanted to burst in anger and in tears. But I was not able to do it because I was overcome by my emotions. I became weak emotionally.

Someone made me feel like I was not worth it to be a friend. She made me loss my confidence. She made me think that I am nothing. Damn it! I am badly hurt and I can't shout it to the world. (I am because until now) All I can do is to ask for comfort. (That time I wanted to say that someone is not my friend because that's the way she treated me.)

I ran to our friends for comfort. (I have no intentions of getting them involve in the conflict - if that's what someone felt- , I just wanted comfort). Good thing Christmas break was approaching then that is why I was able to have my space. But before I left the city, I made a reconciliation with someone. Though I was badly hurt by my friend's actions, I tried to consider the friendship. I said I love someone so I can't deal with the incident forever. I was not loving the silence between us whenever were home that is why one night I said let's forget about everything. (But honestly, I was not able to stand with my words. I can't forget everything because the wounded heart can never forget for a short period of time.)

Another year came and here I come again needing to forget everything about someone because I'll be dealing with her often in the class especially in the house. But I guess, what she did has a great impact to me. I become annoyed to her everyday. I am irritated by her behavior. Sometimes seeing her destroys my day and my mood. Observing her flirt with different guys while her group mates (including me) seriously finish their thesis pisses me off. And mostly knowing her lies kills me. Seeing her waste her time with in front of the mirror, texting and doing unimportant things (in my observation) break my kindness for her. (My god, I am a working scholar but despite that I sacrifice time, sleep very late if needed, and contribute a lot for the benefit of our group. But looking at her, she never prioritize her responsibilities with us.) I never saw any determination from her. If you'll ask me when did she worked that hard, I'll say it was only the day of the submission of the paper. She did not even did well that day, because due to her late submitted part, we crammed and we were not able to edit the paper. But again, I had to let that day pass.

I have to learn how to ignore things about someone. But I guess I am really not that type of person who can play dead or numb in any situation. My temper meter rose to its peak (like its boiling point) and I had to finish everything with a decision. I asked someone to look for a new place to stay. Deeply affected by her actions I told her:

"Ayoko ko ng maging responsibilidad ka pa. Pwede ka namang magsabi ng totoo pero hindi mo pa din ginagawa. Akala mo walang ga taong nagaalala sayo na kung kumilos ka parang wala kang pakialam sa mundo moh. Tutal sabi mo malaki ka na at alam mo na ang ginagawa mo, eh di wala ng pakialamanan. Just be responsible of yourself"

When I said those words, I was trembling with anger and guilt. I was very guilty that moment that I had to do that kind of thing to a friend. But I can't do anything. I had to let someone learn her lessons on her own. Anyway, she never listens to us. Its better that way. Maybe, the space will help. And maybe, she will realize this way how much she hurt her friend and what changes she should have in herself (how I wish someone thought of that!) I felt bad that we have to reach this point. I said sorry to her in the end not because she I did mistake to her, but because I know that I also hurt her.

I hoped that this will help the situation be better especially now that I already cause a cold war between someone and our friend (not because I insisted to them to feel that way, but because someone also hurt them by letting them feel that they are not a friend, maybe someone doesn't really know the true meaning of friendship). I never wanted to cause all of these, maybe so as someone, but because of her recklessness and luxurious wants, she forgets that she may hurt people around her. Someone became insensitive. And I frankly told her that she already change. I was trying very hard to forget things but I can't now. Especially now that someone bothers me again of the thought that she might relay our stories to others. It sounds bad (muy mal). And I hate feeling this way (as if someone was the victim of everything, the hell!)

I have to move on and accept that not all that you considered friend can give the same treatment to you in return. Its like, when you bought seven candies in the store, not all of that taste good. You will get the best candy among that seven and you may also have the worst. Some of it will cause toothache while some will satisfy you. Yes, that's the reality in friendship. And everyone knows that.

I am keeping that candy away from me now. I needed to. I miss someone and I honestly felt lonely in the house at times when I think of someone being in the same room with me before. I wish she made way for things to become better before reaching this point. Though this page is full of resentment, it merely means and shows how much i loved someone and wish to love in the future (because in our friendship we vowed for a tie forever) because she wounded me so deep. "We are hurt by others not mainly because of their actions but because we loved them too much" I wish I did not invest to her too much, so that today, I am not affected like this.

Now I have to keep the worst candy I had. I'm not saying that I will throw it away but I need to keep it for now. Maybe one day, when my toothache is gone, I'll have the appetite for it again.