What's a Surprise for me?

During toxic days due to jam-packed paperworks, I always wish for something that will make me smile even for just a moment, a few hours, or a day. I'm not saying that I'm not happy. I am actually energetic and hyper over the previous days, because I don't want bad vibes during days when I need positive mind set. However, I want to smile because someone makes me to do so. What I mean is, I always wanted to be surprised.

Well, these things are some of the surprises that I wish or think of before; but it never happen of course.

1. Someone giving me a CD with songs he thinks will make me feel happy or better and/or relax.
2. If a friend or someone mind to send me breakfast during the days that he knows I'm still up around 3-4am in the morning. (quite ambitious!haha)
3. Someone giving me a cup of coffee while I'm seriously working and raising my eyebrows because of the difficult works.
4. Someone leaving me a letter, not a love letter, but a letter full of humorous jokes (well because not all jokes are humorous, haha) , in my things, without me knowing it.
5. A person appearing in front of me just to ask me to eat dinner, because he knows I don't usually eat dinner. I always go home immediately after class or work, open my computer and write or read. I don't usually eat when I'm alone.
6. Someone appearing in front of me just to say he wants to work with me because he knows I'm stressed.
7. Someone who will me give a ticket - movie, wonderland - or whatever ticket to a place she or he knows will relax me - and say "Have fun, you're prettier when you are smiling."

So these are surprises for me ha? LOL! I don't really imagine grand and big surprises. I just want simple things that will make me smile.

Actually, my friend's notes to me (Mariz's notes saying God loves me, I should smile and other messages) surprised me always. Because she just leaves those notes in my bag, may laptop case, my notebook every time she notices I'm not okay.

You know the real message of surprises for me is that someone remembers you all the time and that someone loves you always. Although that's already implied in our life, it's just actions showing and expressing it matters. :)

Day 2. Has a painful experience ever had a positive impact in your life?

Funny, a month ago, I was very eager to complete  the 30 days of blogging challenge. But now, it's been one month since I last blogged. I'm just really a lazy writer. 


Anyway, after one month, here's the day 2.


Day 2. Has a painful experience ever had a positive impact in your life?


Well, I always believed that we should use our painful experiences and mistakes as lessons of our life. We should learn from it. Thus, it always create a positive impact for me. 


A simple example was my story about my competitions when I was in high school. Back then, I always join competitions - any kind of competition - because I loved the challenge of it. But when I was in my first year and second year, I barely won. They even tagged me as lulubell - "queen of losers". That hurt me of course. Then one day I said to myself, I will strive to do the best thing I can. Well, the positive thing was, the next two years of my high school life, I won almost all of my competitions. 


Of there is one principle that can help us achieve best things in our life, that is using our mistake, experiences and failures as foundation for success. :D

Day 1: Paradigm shift?Hell yah..

What was a changing moment in your life?

The topic made me stare for a while and evaluate my experiences, which was actually a few moments of boring realization. [But I have to!] Of all those sacrifices, fun, achievements, failures or whatever I could tell people of, what really changed my life? What moment brought change and turn the wheels of my car into different direction?

I'll say it was the moment when I decided to be a working scholar. Of course, the same answer as usual. Let's see how did it change my life.

When I entered UST, I had an academic scholarship. That indeed was a great help for my parents since that year they were supporting my brother's nursing education. But because of the fear that I may fail to comply with the grade requirement of the scholarship, I applied for a working scholarship. After few examinations and interviews, I passed. I passed but it was a hard decision for me. Would I choose to be a working scholar or an academic scholar? When I considered my parents, I said choosing the former might be a big help for them. So after thinking hundred times, I accepted San Lorenzo Scholarship. Then I was assigned at the College of Tourism and Hospitality Management.

The decision meant a lot for me.

When I decided to work for CTHM, I needed to turn my back from the things that I love doing in school. Few years ago, when I was in high school, I always join academic competitions, organizations and extra-curricular activities. That's my life. I enjoyed everything about school activities. I reached national competitions, danced for the pride of the school and met other people in the course of those activities. I lose the chance of experiencing the same thing in the pontifical University of Santo Tomas. Before I enter college, I said I will strive to be one of the best student in the university where I will study. After enrolling in UST, I thought of joining the publication of The Varsitarian, the debate team of Arts and Letters, the dance troupe of Journalism Society. But when I started working on June 22, 2008, I had to give up those plans. I said maybe in my second year in college i could join. The semesters went on and I felt the intention of joining competitions like pautakan and debate, and even the student body. But I had to ignore that intention because I knew that working and studying at the same time would already be hard for me and i could not afford to add other things to my college list. I had to keep my grades high because that was an expectation of me and I also had to deliver good works in the office. That year, I enjoyed being in CTHM despite sacrificing my wants. Then I said I could go on like this for four years.

Semesters and academic years past and I've been enjoying my college life (well in general since I also complain a lot of times). If it is not for the hospitality and care of those in the office, I will not be able to adjust and enjoy everything. But still, hard times knock me out.

I was in third year when I had to always choose between working or finishing my school works and assignments. Even though I felt ashamed of always being absent in CTHM, I endured it. In myself, I always said I need to keep my grades on the track. (You see, I can sacrifice other things but not my grades and definitely not learning). After that year, I got a poor evaluation grade. My supervisor told me that they understood me but he also explained that I have to balance everything. Indeed despite my experiences, I still was not able to learn the right attitude in working.

I realized I have to grow up. Well, that brought to learning more things because of that one decision. These things are:

• Being strong.
• Being responsible and reliable
• Learning how to deliver quality works while managing to achieve good school remarks
• Being independent and mature
• BALANCING  everything in LIFE (including love life :p) 

I can't name all the things that I learn but I know that I am different, a lot different, from the Carissa that I have been four years ago.

I grasped reality and I knew that one day my experience as a working student would definitely help me. More than the privileges and the rights and the free tuition that I enjoyed as such, I would say, the lessons that it taught me mattered a lot and changed me a lot.

Long before I know it

I've been wanting to write these stories. I just did not have the will to do so. But I do not want to miss the chance to share these stories to other since it really touched my heart and opened my eyes and my mind into different realities in our society.  

I've been hearing other people saying that life is really unjust for many Filipinos, that many of our fellow men are living on puddle or slime (metaphorically speaking). They say this is the truth. Every time I hear this, I would just nod and whisper to myself, "yeah, so do I." Looking at Metro Manila's picture, I would always say that poverty is everywhere and the evidence of social unrest lies on the situation of urban and rural poor. Seldom you'll see "heeled fat men" eating tokyo tokyo and most often, you'll need to endure the scene of those children running without slippers or even without clothes on them, of families living under bridges, along the river or near the railway, and of those old people sleeping in overpass in front of the school. I encounter these pictures everyday and all I can do is to pray for them, ask myself why are they suffering and wish for their welfare and safety. But eventually, I became tired of seeking reasons why some people are living in such situation. Sometimes, I tell myself that it is right to say that people are suffering because of their own action and deeds. Yes, I pity them but there are also times when I want to tell them that there is way out of their life and that they should not be contented with where they are now.

Consequently, I found out that I can not just say this and judge the things that is happening in our community. There are several faces of poverty and there are many stories of failure and suffering in life. 

First chapter, first destination, Aplayang Munti.

Upon arriving at the place, I said to myself that it look like an ordinary small barangay. People on the threshold looked happy and seemed to have been doing well, but when we went further, I noticed that there is something different in the houses. Then we reached the barangay hall but we continued walking. We passed by in a vacant lot which is full of garbage and wastes. (Before we went on the area, Sir Eros told us that garbage is really a problem in the place)

I was surprised because this was not the picture that I expected. The wastes in the place became uncontrollable. The area's location is the main reason for this heap of garbage. It is in a coastal area. At the end of the footbridge which we were tracing, the houses are already standing in water. The sea water is already touching the floors of some of the houses. 

There we met Mang Alberto, the president of the King Fisher organization in Brgy. 10-B. He accompanied us through out our stay in the barangay and we also interviewed him about the problem of their community. Then we discovered that he actually have a touching story to share. He and his son were victims of the typhoon Milenyo. That was September 25, 2006, according to him, when he and his son who was 19 years old then went on to catch fishes for something to eat or sell. Mang Alberto said he thought the storm was already gone in the country but when they were already sailing, the storm suddenly hit in their area. From what he had remembered, the sea suddenly became angry, and it began to throw big waves on them and toss their boat which made them tremble with fear. He suddenly cry when he remembered the incident. According to Mang Alberto, lucky they are that they survived. At first, they thought that was their last day. God is so great to give them another life.

Mang Alberto is grateful for his second life but in his second life, he suffers because of their poverty. He lost his boat in the incident, the boat which in which he invested P25 every week just to earn some money for his family. Since fishing is his main way to earn a living, he had a hard time in giving the needs of his family, especially when his daughter got sick. He had to put their house under mortgage just to get money for her daughter's blood transfusion. He had no choice the because he has to save her. Until now they are paying for their house.

Mang Alberto is one of Filipinos who are less fortunate. But behind those sufferings and struggles, he never give up rather he keeps on holding into his faith and he keeps on believing that they may not be rich one day but God will, one day, bless them with what they need for them to survive in their voyage along the sea and in the circumstances of storms. Mang Alberto does everything. He never loses hope. That's one thing that he has that others who are also struggling in life does not have. He is right, he can not be contented with what they are now and he can not give up and just watch everything. He is not dreaming of living in the castle but he is just hoping that one day he can give his daughters and sons books and diploma and that he can provide adequate food in their table.

What struck me most that day was when we gave Mang Alberto something that would help him. We were touched and very thankful to him when he accompany us.

Second Destination,

Last destination, last chapter, my life.

I say my family is also one [struggling in life], but my family is still blessed because God allows us to eat three times a day. God blessed me, which is why I can study in a pontifical university, I can eat fast foods, I can buy clothes whenever I needed them. And because of what I see with these people, I always keep in my mind and my heart that I should not waste God's blessing for me. Instead I should pay it forward.

For now, I'm struggling to survive since I am not receiving anything from my mother. Other people may not understand my situation. At first, I do. But eventually I have to. Regardless of any issues, I say this is what I have to endure and this is life. We're poor but we're blessed. I'm blessed. And I am still thankful to God for giving me everything that I am enjoying now.

The Paranoid mind goes on a Retreat

I was sitting in my bed, staring blankly at my laptop and thinking about everything in my life.

What meaning of life have I made and write in my own story so far? Why do I get bored with my life and why for sometime now have I thought that I do not have something worthy to treasure, to live on or to smile on? Why am I not contented now with the way I live? Why do I have so many agonies and fears? Have I not done good enough with my life? (Well, these things maybe are good to think and realize about since I am getting older and soon I'll have a bunch of responsibilities over my shoulder.)

Frankly, I can't answer these questions. I spend the whole day in the room, just browsing the internet and reading books and thinking about these things. I got several reasons but I can't logically give myself a conclusion and a resolution.

These are all I know.

I've been too centered and too focused in my studies. Yes, that's totally good but the downside is I almost forgot that there is something more in life than achievements, success, medal and diploma. What is it? It's man's relationship with his world (which includes every kind of relationship using all kind of love) and with God. Everyday I found myself waking up to do school works, to finish paper works, office assignments, beat a deadline, etc. What more? - I wake up to stay up all night and do things all for my study. I never became tired of studying, I will never be. After all, just like what I said to others, that's all I have. That's all I've got to do with my life. And when I graduated, it will maybe hard for me to adjust with the changes in my life because I will not have any lessons to study anymore. Instead, I will need to do my own lessons to study - the way in the real industry.

Thus, I am not saying that I want to be free from the four corners of the 'art of studying'. I just thought that I have to pay attention with other things too - with the world. Just like what Mr. Simonet asked in the film 'Pay it Forward', "what have you know about the world? what have you do for the world?" Well, I know God did not gave me life just for me to study and achieve great things - this way of living will not satisfy you forever. I remember my friend Manilyn saying that when we die we can never bring fame with us. So what will satisfy us - me - in this life? It's fulfilling God's mission for us - for me. And what is it? For me it's something good that I can do for others, for my family. And it is for me to discover and find that out.

I've been hurt too much by my problems and personal issues. It obviously includes my problem with my family which no one knows (well no one really knows everything about what I am experiencing now). I'm trying to ignore everything but at the end of the day it all hunt me. Because of my problems and issues, I sometimes can't enjoy my life. I needed to stay inside my box. But being too tired and too hurt, I once decided to break all the rule and all the expectations on me and live outside my box. I said, that's the only prize that I can have after everything. I sacrifice once, why can't I enjoy things now? (Due to this decision, I know that a lot of changes happened to me, even to my attitude and personality.) Well I have to try, I have to.

I don't have that big confidence that I would build the real me. I always feel like I'm boring, I have ordinary qualities that will not appeal to anyone, I'm less and sometimes I even feel like I'm nothing. I don't feel this things when I was in high school. I don't know what happened. But here I am now. I'm less than the best that I can offer. Others say that I have all the things that they wanted to have in life. But I don't see that and that's ultimately stupidity. Oh God! I don't know what's happening to me.

I know GOD is the only answer. I never lose my faith in him, it's just, this past month, I have not been communicating with him. I admit that I've been consumed by my problems, experiences by everything.
But with God, who never fails to guide me and love me, I am looking forward that one day I can overcome these problems and I can answer these questions with a big smile. And I can say I'm contented with my life.

my life's irony

Just this afternoon, I was worrying about my scholarship. (What's new? I always have this dilemma every second semester.) Again, I am thinking of withdrawing my scholarship.

This semester, I had consumed all the allowed absences in my duty. Mam Dess said to me this afternoon, the director for student affairs may assess my performance before allowing me to renew my scholarship program for next year due to my tardiness and absences.  I wanted to tell her that I can assure them of good grades and good evaluation in the office, but i stay silent. I did not even feel like crying. I've been in this situation almost every year. Maybe I'm just used to it or let us say, I became tired of it. I wanted to tell them, to tell the world that I've been doing thngs not because I am spending time for leisure. Most of the time, I am stealing my duty hours for my study. I am not sleeping just to study, to write and to do all my requirements in the class. I am like this not because I wanted to (who would want to kill herself just for the sake of getting good grades?) but because this is what my parents and my relatives expect me to be. Partly, I want this but not to the extend that I have to sacrifice everything. After my conversation with Mam Dess, I did not cry but deep inside of me, I wanted to burst in tears. I'm tired of fulfilling everything according to the rules and to the wants of my world. Can't they just understand me?

I hate it when problems like this came during my busiest days! WTF I don't want to think now. Not. (I keep on telling myself that when I am on my way back to the house)

Then when I got home, I opened facebook just to find something that would make me smile again and would bring back my good mood. 

One message. Six Notifications.

I looked first at the news feed. There's nothing that interests me. Then I opened the notification. Okay, It's about school works again. Then I opened the message. The first line reads "Congratulations". I said, scam again. I thought of not reading it because It will be a waste of time but when my eyes looked down, I noticed a note which says it is from Becarios de Santo Tomas. There, I had the interest in reading it. It says: 

Congratulations! You are one of the nominees for the MOST OUTSTANDING SAN LORENZO AWARD (OUTSTANDING THOMASIAN SCHOLAR AWARDS).

In line with this, we are requesting you to submit a narrative that tells substantially about yourself. This will help us to know you better and guide us to discern who should be the most outstanding San Lorenzo scholar. 

Blah.blah.blah.

At first I thought it is a general message for all the scholars, then when it already asked for requirement that I needed to submit, I told myself "ah, this is what I needed tonight, inspiration!"

What a life. Just this afternoon I was worrying about my scholarship then tonight they are telling me I am nominated as an outstanding scholar. Do you see the irony? This only tell me how GOD works for us. God will really not let you down. He may gave you challenges and problems bu t he will always be there to help you and to make you see how beautiful life is. 

I can't help but to scold myself for giving up so easily, for being fragile, for being a pessimist. Life has a lot of irony and I am one of the blessed people who is always saved by this ironies.

Recycled thoughts: BELIEVE!

They say that once you believed, your life would be painted with smile and will be colorful that even when you are hurt, injured and most of all, broken, you would be able to live happily.

……………………………………….

Maybe, there will be more hope. A vision of guiding lights would be left for you on your way home, for you to find the right way.

Perhaps, life will be different…..

And maybe, you would not ask for what you don’t have,

For contentment would fill your soul,..

And happiness and love would shelter your heart,..forever,..until the last..until the next world.

………………………………………

But what if you keep believing and hoping, but still you find your self on a cross road,..

Looking for that hope, for the change that you’ve been praying for and waiting for a long time?

Will you stand still and look beyond what your eyes can see?

The truth is that life will always be like cross roads, full of confusion and sometimes without direction. You need to choose which way you will go for you to find yourself. And that is the hardest part, to choose the right path of your destiny. After all it is you who is making your destiny, your fate and history of your life.

It will always be the same.

Your fate is what destiny you hold and what history you shape. It all lies in your back. You put structure in your being, maximize your time, color your destiny, record your history and endow your fate.

Being strong is necessary

……….because at the end of each road that you will encounter you will find yourself the only someone that can help you forever and that will not leave you. 

It is hard to trust. Because you can’t prevent the fact that sometimes when you are already living your life with somebody, and plan to put that somebody in the image of your future, she or he may be gone in just a snap. And sometimes, the worst thing is that somebody is the one that always left you in a cross road. They leave you. They go for their life and let you live in uncertainty,……

Sometimes you would just question yourself if it is worthy to live with others, or is it worthy to live?

Maybe, believing is the only answer,.

I don’t know how,.

For how long is unknown,.

That only time can tell everything

And only a beat of our heart can let us feel when,…