I was sitting in my bed, staring blankly at my laptop and thinking about everything in my life.
What meaning of life have I made and write in my own story so far? Why do I get bored with my life and why for sometime now have I thought that I do not have something worthy to treasure, to live on or to smile on? Why am I not contented now with the way I live? Why do I have so many agonies and fears? Have I not done good enough with my life? (Well, these things maybe are good to think and realize about since I am getting older and soon I'll have a bunch of responsibilities over my shoulder.)
Frankly, I can't answer these questions. I spend the whole day in the room, just browsing the internet and reading books and thinking about these things. I got several reasons but I can't logically give myself a conclusion and a resolution.
These are all I know.
I've been too centered and too focused in my studies. Yes, that's totally good but the downside is I almost forgot that there is something more in life than achievements, success, medal and diploma. What is it? It's man's relationship with his world (which includes every kind of relationship using all kind of love) and with God. Everyday I found myself waking up to do school works, to finish paper works, office assignments, beat a deadline, etc. What more? - I wake up to stay up all night and do things all for my study. I never became tired of studying, I will never be. After all, just like what I said to others, that's all I have. That's all I've got to do with my life. And when I graduated, it will maybe hard for me to adjust with the changes in my life because I will not have any lessons to study anymore. Instead, I will need to do my own lessons to study - the way in the real industry.
Thus, I am not saying that I want to be free from the four corners of the 'art of studying'. I just thought that I have to pay attention with other things too - with the world. Just like what Mr. Simonet asked in the film 'Pay it Forward', "what have you know about the world? what have you do for the world?" Well, I know God did not gave me life just for me to study and achieve great things - this way of living will not satisfy you forever. I remember my friend Manilyn saying that when we die we can never bring fame with us. So what will satisfy us - me - in this life? It's fulfilling God's mission for us - for me. And what is it? For me it's something good that I can do for others, for my family. And it is for me to discover and find that out.
I've been hurt too much by my problems and personal issues. It obviously includes my problem with my family which no one knows (well no one really knows everything about what I am experiencing now). I'm trying to ignore everything but at the end of the day it all hunt me. Because of my problems and issues, I sometimes can't enjoy my life. I needed to stay inside my box. But being too tired and too hurt, I once decided to break all the rule and all the expectations on me and live outside my box. I said, that's the only prize that I can have after everything. I sacrifice once, why can't I enjoy things now? (Due to this decision, I know that a lot of changes happened to me, even to my attitude and personality.) Well I have to try, I have to.
I don't have that big confidence that I would build the real me. I always feel like I'm boring, I have ordinary qualities that will not appeal to anyone, I'm less and sometimes I even feel like I'm nothing. I don't feel this things when I was in high school. I don't know what happened. But here I am now. I'm less than the best that I can offer. Others say that I have all the things that they wanted to have in life. But I don't see that and that's ultimately stupidity. Oh God! I don't know what's happening to me.
I know GOD is the only answer. I never lose my faith in him, it's just, this past month, I have not been communicating with him. I admit that I've been consumed by my problems, experiences by everything.
But with God, who never fails to guide me and love me, I am looking forward that one day I can overcome these problems and I can answer these questions with a big smile. And I can say I'm contented with my life.
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