Today, I am writing purely from my heartedly intentions.
I can't get over from my conflict with someone (let's just name "the who with someone"). I know there are a number of friends who told me to don't waste my time thinking and assessing the situation - because probably, it will not change anything. Though I know that they are right, I can't step forward and just ignore everything just to be able to say to myself that "everything is okay now." Maybe because for me "losing a dear friend who I actually treated as a sister is painful."
I did not expected that being betrayed is the prize that I have to received after helping a friend.
Friends care for each other as one of my friend stressed which is why when someone needed our help and our care, we always offer her our hands and embraces her with guidance, care and teachings (lessons included because we know that there are some wrong ways and behaviors that someone had -who's perfect anyway, even me has that imperfection). Thus, one day when someone had a problem, I immediately decided to help. That time, someone needed a house to stay and I don't think twice of offering her to stay in my place. Open arms and excited of having a company, I made ways for her to feel comfortable in our apartment. My first week with someone was happy so as the second, but days went by and I noticed that time by time, we were having conflicts. Those were due to our differences in attitude (because we're definitely the opposites). Those were little things so I always ignore it and resort to thinking that the next days will be better between us. (I hope someone made that true but she didn't)
I noticed that there were times that she felt shy of living with me. I felt that she was not proud to say to others that she lives with a friend who is struggling in life. I've seen her enjoying making herself pretty for others but all the while she already forlorn her responsibilities to others, to herself and to her friends and to her studies. I even had conversations with her about guys and noticed that she still do that thing of having number of guys at the same time (well for her its not flirting or whatever, its just being a friend to them, but everyone knows its the other way around for the guys). What struck me most those days was when she never let me feel that she's grateful for our help to her. She did not even tell me important things and instead she told it to others and she did things without letting me and my mother know about it. She did not mentioned even once to others that she is living with a "friend" rather when someone ask who is she living with, she'll answer, I'm living with my "classmate". I ignored all of that and I said to myself that those thoughts were judgment that I should not trust. I chose to be a friend to her despite of my observations and sentiments (its not about being back stabber, because I let love overcome doubts). I actually wanted to tell someone my thoughts but I did not because I knew then that I cannot let my judgments and criticism destroy our friendship. I chose to keep in silence whenever I became annoyed by her behavior because I know that after few hours or a day, my annoyance would fade.
But days come and someone forced the monster in me to come out. Someone offended me and hurt me a lot. I felt betrayed after someone did unwarranted things to me. She lied and she made me feel stupid. ( let's leave this part of the story untouched) I can't believe at first that a friend whom I considered as my sister hurt me. The moment that I knew everything about what she did to me, I wanted to burst in anger and in tears. But I was not able to do it because I was overcome by my emotions. I became weak emotionally.
Someone made me feel like I was not worth it to be a friend. She made me loss my confidence. She made me think that I am nothing. Damn it! I am badly hurt and I can't shout it to the world. (I am because until now) All I can do is to ask for comfort. (That time I wanted to say that someone is not my friend because that's the way she treated me.)
I ran to our friends for comfort. (I have no intentions of getting them involve in the conflict - if that's what someone felt- , I just wanted comfort). Good thing Christmas break was approaching then that is why I was able to have my space. But before I left the city, I made a reconciliation with someone. Though I was badly hurt by my friend's actions, I tried to consider the friendship. I said I love someone so I can't deal with the incident forever. I was not loving the silence between us whenever were home that is why one night I said let's forget about everything. (But honestly, I was not able to stand with my words. I can't forget everything because the wounded heart can never forget for a short period of time.)
Another year came and here I come again needing to forget everything about someone because I'll be dealing with her often in the class especially in the house. But I guess, what she did has a great impact to me. I become annoyed to her everyday. I am irritated by her behavior. Sometimes seeing her destroys my day and my mood. Observing her flirt with different guys while her group mates (including me) seriously finish their thesis pisses me off. And mostly knowing her lies kills me. Seeing her waste her time with in front of the mirror, texting and doing unimportant things (in my observation) break my kindness for her. (My god, I am a working scholar but despite that I sacrifice time, sleep very late if needed, and contribute a lot for the benefit of our group. But looking at her, she never prioritize her responsibilities with us.) I never saw any determination from her. If you'll ask me when did she worked that hard, I'll say it was only the day of the submission of the paper. She did not even did well that day, because due to her late submitted part, we crammed and we were not able to edit the paper. But again, I had to let that day pass.
I have to learn how to ignore things about someone. But I guess I am really not that type of person who can play dead or numb in any situation. My temper meter rose to its peak (like its boiling point) and I had to finish everything with a decision. I asked someone to look for a new place to stay. Deeply affected by her actions I told her:
"Ayoko ko ng maging responsibilidad ka pa. Pwede ka namang magsabi ng totoo pero hindi mo pa din ginagawa. Akala mo walang ga taong nagaalala sayo na kung kumilos ka parang wala kang pakialam sa mundo moh. Tutal sabi mo malaki ka na at alam mo na ang ginagawa mo, eh di wala ng pakialamanan. Just be responsible of yourself"
When I said those words, I was trembling with anger and guilt. I was very guilty that moment that I had to do that kind of thing to a friend. But I can't do anything. I had to let someone learn her lessons on her own. Anyway, she never listens to us. Its better that way. Maybe, the space will help. And maybe, she will realize this way how much she hurt her friend and what changes she should have in herself (how I wish someone thought of that!) I felt bad that we have to reach this point. I said sorry to her in the end not because she I did mistake to her, but because I know that I also hurt her.
I hoped that this will help the situation be better especially now that I already cause a cold war between someone and our friend (not because I insisted to them to feel that way, but because someone also hurt them by letting them feel that they are not a friend, maybe someone doesn't really know the true meaning of friendship). I never wanted to cause all of these, maybe so as someone, but because of her recklessness and luxurious wants, she forgets that she may hurt people around her. Someone became insensitive. And I frankly told her that she already change. I was trying very hard to forget things but I can't now. Especially now that someone bothers me again of the thought that she might relay our stories to others. It sounds bad (muy mal). And I hate feeling this way (as if someone was the victim of everything, the hell!)
I have to move on and accept that not all that you considered friend can give the same treatment to you in return. Its like, when you bought seven candies in the store, not all of that taste good. You will get the best candy among that seven and you may also have the worst. Some of it will cause toothache while some will satisfy you. Yes, that's the reality in friendship. And everyone knows that.
I am keeping that candy away from me now. I needed to. I miss someone and I honestly felt lonely in the house at times when I think of someone being in the same room with me before. I wish she made way for things to become better before reaching this point. Though this page is full of resentment, it merely means and shows how much i loved someone and wish to love in the future (because in our friendship we vowed for a tie forever) because she wounded me so deep. "We are hurt by others not mainly because of their actions but because we loved them too much" I wish I did not invest to her too much, so that today, I am not affected like this.
Now I have to keep the worst candy I had. I'm not saying that I will throw it away but I need to keep it for now. Maybe one day, when my toothache is gone, I'll have the appetite for it again.
