Long before I know it

I've been wanting to write these stories. I just did not have the will to do so. But I do not want to miss the chance to share these stories to other since it really touched my heart and opened my eyes and my mind into different realities in our society.  

I've been hearing other people saying that life is really unjust for many Filipinos, that many of our fellow men are living on puddle or slime (metaphorically speaking). They say this is the truth. Every time I hear this, I would just nod and whisper to myself, "yeah, so do I." Looking at Metro Manila's picture, I would always say that poverty is everywhere and the evidence of social unrest lies on the situation of urban and rural poor. Seldom you'll see "heeled fat men" eating tokyo tokyo and most often, you'll need to endure the scene of those children running without slippers or even without clothes on them, of families living under bridges, along the river or near the railway, and of those old people sleeping in overpass in front of the school. I encounter these pictures everyday and all I can do is to pray for them, ask myself why are they suffering and wish for their welfare and safety. But eventually, I became tired of seeking reasons why some people are living in such situation. Sometimes, I tell myself that it is right to say that people are suffering because of their own action and deeds. Yes, I pity them but there are also times when I want to tell them that there is way out of their life and that they should not be contented with where they are now.

Consequently, I found out that I can not just say this and judge the things that is happening in our community. There are several faces of poverty and there are many stories of failure and suffering in life. 

First chapter, first destination, Aplayang Munti.

Upon arriving at the place, I said to myself that it look like an ordinary small barangay. People on the threshold looked happy and seemed to have been doing well, but when we went further, I noticed that there is something different in the houses. Then we reached the barangay hall but we continued walking. We passed by in a vacant lot which is full of garbage and wastes. (Before we went on the area, Sir Eros told us that garbage is really a problem in the place)

I was surprised because this was not the picture that I expected. The wastes in the place became uncontrollable. The area's location is the main reason for this heap of garbage. It is in a coastal area. At the end of the footbridge which we were tracing, the houses are already standing in water. The sea water is already touching the floors of some of the houses. 

There we met Mang Alberto, the president of the King Fisher organization in Brgy. 10-B. He accompanied us through out our stay in the barangay and we also interviewed him about the problem of their community. Then we discovered that he actually have a touching story to share. He and his son were victims of the typhoon Milenyo. That was September 25, 2006, according to him, when he and his son who was 19 years old then went on to catch fishes for something to eat or sell. Mang Alberto said he thought the storm was already gone in the country but when they were already sailing, the storm suddenly hit in their area. From what he had remembered, the sea suddenly became angry, and it began to throw big waves on them and toss their boat which made them tremble with fear. He suddenly cry when he remembered the incident. According to Mang Alberto, lucky they are that they survived. At first, they thought that was their last day. God is so great to give them another life.

Mang Alberto is grateful for his second life but in his second life, he suffers because of their poverty. He lost his boat in the incident, the boat which in which he invested P25 every week just to earn some money for his family. Since fishing is his main way to earn a living, he had a hard time in giving the needs of his family, especially when his daughter got sick. He had to put their house under mortgage just to get money for her daughter's blood transfusion. He had no choice the because he has to save her. Until now they are paying for their house.

Mang Alberto is one of Filipinos who are less fortunate. But behind those sufferings and struggles, he never give up rather he keeps on holding into his faith and he keeps on believing that they may not be rich one day but God will, one day, bless them with what they need for them to survive in their voyage along the sea and in the circumstances of storms. Mang Alberto does everything. He never loses hope. That's one thing that he has that others who are also struggling in life does not have. He is right, he can not be contented with what they are now and he can not give up and just watch everything. He is not dreaming of living in the castle but he is just hoping that one day he can give his daughters and sons books and diploma and that he can provide adequate food in their table.

What struck me most that day was when we gave Mang Alberto something that would help him. We were touched and very thankful to him when he accompany us.

Second Destination,

Last destination, last chapter, my life.

I say my family is also one [struggling in life], but my family is still blessed because God allows us to eat three times a day. God blessed me, which is why I can study in a pontifical university, I can eat fast foods, I can buy clothes whenever I needed them. And because of what I see with these people, I always keep in my mind and my heart that I should not waste God's blessing for me. Instead I should pay it forward.

For now, I'm struggling to survive since I am not receiving anything from my mother. Other people may not understand my situation. At first, I do. But eventually I have to. Regardless of any issues, I say this is what I have to endure and this is life. We're poor but we're blessed. I'm blessed. And I am still thankful to God for giving me everything that I am enjoying now.

The Paranoid mind goes on a Retreat

I was sitting in my bed, staring blankly at my laptop and thinking about everything in my life.

What meaning of life have I made and write in my own story so far? Why do I get bored with my life and why for sometime now have I thought that I do not have something worthy to treasure, to live on or to smile on? Why am I not contented now with the way I live? Why do I have so many agonies and fears? Have I not done good enough with my life? (Well, these things maybe are good to think and realize about since I am getting older and soon I'll have a bunch of responsibilities over my shoulder.)

Frankly, I can't answer these questions. I spend the whole day in the room, just browsing the internet and reading books and thinking about these things. I got several reasons but I can't logically give myself a conclusion and a resolution.

These are all I know.

I've been too centered and too focused in my studies. Yes, that's totally good but the downside is I almost forgot that there is something more in life than achievements, success, medal and diploma. What is it? It's man's relationship with his world (which includes every kind of relationship using all kind of love) and with God. Everyday I found myself waking up to do school works, to finish paper works, office assignments, beat a deadline, etc. What more? - I wake up to stay up all night and do things all for my study. I never became tired of studying, I will never be. After all, just like what I said to others, that's all I have. That's all I've got to do with my life. And when I graduated, it will maybe hard for me to adjust with the changes in my life because I will not have any lessons to study anymore. Instead, I will need to do my own lessons to study - the way in the real industry.

Thus, I am not saying that I want to be free from the four corners of the 'art of studying'. I just thought that I have to pay attention with other things too - with the world. Just like what Mr. Simonet asked in the film 'Pay it Forward', "what have you know about the world? what have you do for the world?" Well, I know God did not gave me life just for me to study and achieve great things - this way of living will not satisfy you forever. I remember my friend Manilyn saying that when we die we can never bring fame with us. So what will satisfy us - me - in this life? It's fulfilling God's mission for us - for me. And what is it? For me it's something good that I can do for others, for my family. And it is for me to discover and find that out.

I've been hurt too much by my problems and personal issues. It obviously includes my problem with my family which no one knows (well no one really knows everything about what I am experiencing now). I'm trying to ignore everything but at the end of the day it all hunt me. Because of my problems and issues, I sometimes can't enjoy my life. I needed to stay inside my box. But being too tired and too hurt, I once decided to break all the rule and all the expectations on me and live outside my box. I said, that's the only prize that I can have after everything. I sacrifice once, why can't I enjoy things now? (Due to this decision, I know that a lot of changes happened to me, even to my attitude and personality.) Well I have to try, I have to.

I don't have that big confidence that I would build the real me. I always feel like I'm boring, I have ordinary qualities that will not appeal to anyone, I'm less and sometimes I even feel like I'm nothing. I don't feel this things when I was in high school. I don't know what happened. But here I am now. I'm less than the best that I can offer. Others say that I have all the things that they wanted to have in life. But I don't see that and that's ultimately stupidity. Oh God! I don't know what's happening to me.

I know GOD is the only answer. I never lose my faith in him, it's just, this past month, I have not been communicating with him. I admit that I've been consumed by my problems, experiences by everything.
But with God, who never fails to guide me and love me, I am looking forward that one day I can overcome these problems and I can answer these questions with a big smile. And I can say I'm contented with my life.