my life's irony

Just this afternoon, I was worrying about my scholarship. (What's new? I always have this dilemma every second semester.) Again, I am thinking of withdrawing my scholarship.

This semester, I had consumed all the allowed absences in my duty. Mam Dess said to me this afternoon, the director for student affairs may assess my performance before allowing me to renew my scholarship program for next year due to my tardiness and absences.  I wanted to tell her that I can assure them of good grades and good evaluation in the office, but i stay silent. I did not even feel like crying. I've been in this situation almost every year. Maybe I'm just used to it or let us say, I became tired of it. I wanted to tell them, to tell the world that I've been doing thngs not because I am spending time for leisure. Most of the time, I am stealing my duty hours for my study. I am not sleeping just to study, to write and to do all my requirements in the class. I am like this not because I wanted to (who would want to kill herself just for the sake of getting good grades?) but because this is what my parents and my relatives expect me to be. Partly, I want this but not to the extend that I have to sacrifice everything. After my conversation with Mam Dess, I did not cry but deep inside of me, I wanted to burst in tears. I'm tired of fulfilling everything according to the rules and to the wants of my world. Can't they just understand me?

I hate it when problems like this came during my busiest days! WTF I don't want to think now. Not. (I keep on telling myself that when I am on my way back to the house)

Then when I got home, I opened facebook just to find something that would make me smile again and would bring back my good mood. 

One message. Six Notifications.

I looked first at the news feed. There's nothing that interests me. Then I opened the notification. Okay, It's about school works again. Then I opened the message. The first line reads "Congratulations". I said, scam again. I thought of not reading it because It will be a waste of time but when my eyes looked down, I noticed a note which says it is from Becarios de Santo Tomas. There, I had the interest in reading it. It says: 

Congratulations! You are one of the nominees for the MOST OUTSTANDING SAN LORENZO AWARD (OUTSTANDING THOMASIAN SCHOLAR AWARDS).

In line with this, we are requesting you to submit a narrative that tells substantially about yourself. This will help us to know you better and guide us to discern who should be the most outstanding San Lorenzo scholar. 

Blah.blah.blah.

At first I thought it is a general message for all the scholars, then when it already asked for requirement that I needed to submit, I told myself "ah, this is what I needed tonight, inspiration!"

What a life. Just this afternoon I was worrying about my scholarship then tonight they are telling me I am nominated as an outstanding scholar. Do you see the irony? This only tell me how GOD works for us. God will really not let you down. He may gave you challenges and problems bu t he will always be there to help you and to make you see how beautiful life is. 

I can't help but to scold myself for giving up so easily, for being fragile, for being a pessimist. Life has a lot of irony and I am one of the blessed people who is always saved by this ironies.

Recycled thoughts: BELIEVE!

They say that once you believed, your life would be painted with smile and will be colorful that even when you are hurt, injured and most of all, broken, you would be able to live happily.

……………………………………….

Maybe, there will be more hope. A vision of guiding lights would be left for you on your way home, for you to find the right way.

Perhaps, life will be different…..

And maybe, you would not ask for what you don’t have,

For contentment would fill your soul,..

And happiness and love would shelter your heart,..forever,..until the last..until the next world.

………………………………………

But what if you keep believing and hoping, but still you find your self on a cross road,..

Looking for that hope, for the change that you’ve been praying for and waiting for a long time?

Will you stand still and look beyond what your eyes can see?

The truth is that life will always be like cross roads, full of confusion and sometimes without direction. You need to choose which way you will go for you to find yourself. And that is the hardest part, to choose the right path of your destiny. After all it is you who is making your destiny, your fate and history of your life.

It will always be the same.

Your fate is what destiny you hold and what history you shape. It all lies in your back. You put structure in your being, maximize your time, color your destiny, record your history and endow your fate.

Being strong is necessary

……….because at the end of each road that you will encounter you will find yourself the only someone that can help you forever and that will not leave you. 

It is hard to trust. Because you can’t prevent the fact that sometimes when you are already living your life with somebody, and plan to put that somebody in the image of your future, she or he may be gone in just a snap. And sometimes, the worst thing is that somebody is the one that always left you in a cross road. They leave you. They go for their life and let you live in uncertainty,……

Sometimes you would just question yourself if it is worthy to live with others, or is it worthy to live?

Maybe, believing is the only answer,.

I don’t know how,.

For how long is unknown,.

That only time can tell everything

And only a beat of our heart can let us feel when,…

I'd rather,.:))

Even in the middle of busy days and the hard works, love still knock on your heart and makes you think about the epic of your love story.

We went in Aplayang Munti, Cavite today to get some stories for our community newspaper in Newspaper Layouting and Copy Reading. It was around 10am when I started to enjoy our adventure. We interviewed a few people living along the coastal area.  I was taking a picture of an old woman fetching a pail of water and seriously staring at her while thinking what story can we get about the problem of Aplayang Munti in water supply. When I was about to go, I heard a loud music from the two guys who were sitting at the corner of the lane.

"I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else...

I'd rather have the one who owns my heart."

I'd rather,.:))

My heart jumped ( i was just thinking about him this morning). I so miss the song. I suddenly felt like it is bringing things and memories back for me.

I never had bad times with him but if time would permit I would want to, rather than spending good times with someone else. I never had this song for someone but I always think of it whenever I remember him when I was in my first year in college. Now that I am missing him again, (I am actually stopping myself since i don't want to be hurt again.) this song also came back and endeared my ears again. No, this does not mean anything (I thought!).

Here I am with my episode again. I wanted to tell myself that I am tired of thinking things about my love life. I just wanted to focus on my studies now. But my mind seems to have not feel tired of reminiscing. (Why not, If I am actually smiling every time I think of him) I can't help myself, thus, when we were on our way back to Manila, I told Claire my story and my worries. I said I can't stop thinking about who is with alternating current now (deep inside, I'm still wishing that that is me,.ASSUMING AGAIN!). 

Then Claire and I both asked ourselves, why do girls have the nature being assuming? Why do we have the instinct which eventually lead us to heartaches?

Heartaches, yes heartaches. I'm tired of that and I almost lose my confidence because of my different stories and experiences of break ups. And of all of that, I only have two which I value the most. The alternating current is one of that. I know now that even in our short time of spending time together, I will never be able to forget how he made me smile and feel loved before. 

Today, even though I know that things may not be good for me and the alternating current may not like and love me again, I still had this  smile every time I remember things. There is nothing wrong with it because I am not expecting anything. That is what important. Still, Id rather,.:))

Pa-Blog ng ilang Minuto

Isang kalendaryong punong-puno, saan ko pa kaya isisingit ang sarili ko?

Minsan naiisip ko na lumiliit na ang mundo ko dahil sa sobrang pagiging masipag ko sa pag-aaral. Araw - araw, sa tuwing gumigising ako, bukod sa pagpapasalamat kay God na buhay pa ko, school works agad naiisip ko. Bago matulog ay isang tambak na deadline ang nasa huling laman ng isip ko. Hindi ko na nga mawari kung paano hahatiin ang oras ko. (sana nga'y may clone na lamang ako!) Minsan naman ay naiinggit ako sa ibang tao na madalas kong nakikitang masaya at enjoy lamang sa buhay nila. Sa tuwing pagmamasdan ko sila tinatanong ko ang sarili ko kung masaya nga ba ako sa ganitong buhay kaya ko ito ginagawa o ginagawa ko na lamang ito dahil kailangan, dahil nakasanayan ko na at higit sa lahat, dahil ito ang inaasahan ng lahat mula sa akin?

Paano nga ba ako makakangiti sa kabila ng lahat? Sa kabila ng sabay sabay na gawain tulad ng documentarty, thesis, photo shooting, community newspaper in Aplayang Munti, term paper, critique paper, reflection paper - at madamai pa - paano nga ba ako makakatawa? Paano ko ieenjoy ang lahat kung dahil sa dami ng dapat kong gawin at asikasuhin ay pati ang work ko sa office at ang scholarship ko ay naaapektuhan? Paano ko masasabing okay lang ang lahat kung sa tuwing makikita ko ang supervisor ko ay pakiramdam ko iniisp nya na umaabuso na ako sa pagabasent ko sa office?

Kapag tinatanong ko ang lahat ng ito sa sarili ko, hinihiling ko na lang na sana maging maayos ang lahat at sinasabi ko na lang sa sarili ko na masaya naman ang lahat kung kaya nananatili akong nakangiti. Pero sa likod naman ng mga ngiti na iyon ay pagkapagod at lungkot. Hindi na ako nakakauwi sa tatay ko dahil sa dami kong ginagawa. Namimiss ko na ang mga kaibigan ko, namimiss ko na ang tumawa ng malakas hindi dahil gusto ko kung hindi dahil nabigla ang puso ko sa saya.

Nakakasakal na minsan. Nakakasakal ang schedule. Nakakasakal ang walang sawang pagenglish sa lahat nga papers. (minsan nga nagiging maarte na ko, kahit simpleng usapan lang english na gamit ko). Pero alam ko na magreklamo man ako ay wala din naman akong magagawa kaya naman ginagawa ko na lang ang lahat ng makakaya ko at pinapangiti ko na lang ang sarili ko. Ayun, humuhugot ako ng saya sa ibang bagay.

Kanina halos di ko maalis sa isip ko yung alternating current. Sa dami ng ginagawa ko naisisingit ko pa ang pag-iisip ko sa kanya (eh ang pahinga nga para sa sarili ko ay di ko na mahanapan ng oras). Kahit anu talaga gawin ko at sabihin, kahit may iba pang nakilala ang puso ko, hindi pa din sya makakalimutan nito. Ewan ko ba kung bakit. Nakangiti ako ngayong araw na ito kasi nagenjoy ako tignan pictures nya. IMBA. may puwang pa ba? Sana di ko lang naiisip to kasi naghahanap ako ng kalinga at ng kasama at ng pagmamahal. Alam ko naman. Mahirap na pero ito kasi ang pulso ng kuryente ng puso ko. Anu magagawa ko? Kahit  ilang minuto lang, hinayaan ko angsarili kong isipin syang muli.